Continuing the conversation for mental health awareness month (see all the stories here).
Story #6
A successful day was as simple as getting up and showering before 2pm.
What is your diagnosis?
Clinical Depression for 10 years
What do your symptoms look like?
Some of my episodes were worse than others. My “better” days consisted of me going through the motions of life. I appeared to be normal and happy, but I wasn’t motivated too much beyond going to school and work. I put on a brave face but I felt hopeless most of the time.
During my worst episodes (which usually lasted a few months) I felt completely hopeless, developed insomnia, had little to no appetite, and had weekly anxiety attacks that caused me to hyperventilate and shake. I would call out of work frequently when this happened because I couldn’t handle the added stress or couldn’t muster up enough strength to put on my “happy” face. Those episodes were filled with days where I felt too weak to get out of the bed. A successful day was as simple as getting up and showering before 2pm.
What do you wish people knew about your diagnosis?
Depression is complex and it’s not something you can “snap” out of. Most of my friends didn’t understand what I was going through and that made me hide (try to) my illness even more. The last thing I needed was someone telling me that it was in my head or making me feel ashamed and weak. I was doing enough of that on my own. I didn’t want to feel that way. It’s awful to not have control over your thoughts and feelings, even when you’re trying your best.
Share a story where your diagnosis/symptoms significantly impacted your life.
Summer of 2014 was the worst episode I’d ever had. I remember having to quit my job and move back home. I was so depressed I couldn’t go into work without breaking down. For about two months, it was really hard to do anything. I stayed in the bed until late afternoon and binged watched Netflix to try to distract myself from the negative thoughts that consumed my mind. I tried to sleep but couldn’t because my mind wouldn’t shut off. I cried A LOT that summer, but I developed a habit of praying a lot too. That was one thing that helped me overcome. Honestly, at first I struggled to believe most of the things I was reading and praying, but it got easier to after a while. That season was when I stopped trying to be perfect and put together and just let myself be.
It’s my belief that mental illness makes us stronger, not weaker. How have you seen yourself grow because (or in spite of) your mental illness?
Absolutely. My battle with depression and anxiety taught me how to fight for the life and health that I want. I learned about myself – emotional wounds, triggers, and capacity. I realized it’s okay to need more breaks or not have the same capacity as others. What I need to do for myself doesn’t make me less than, it makes me self-aware and that leads to a healthier mind and body. Though I had some very dark days, I’ll still here. I wanted to give up but I never did.
It’s also helped me become more compassionate to the other people’s struggles. We’re all doing the best we can. Lastly, it strengthened my faith in God. It’s true what the Bible says, that God is close the brokenhearted. I met God in an entirely new way. He gave me hope and purpose when I had none. I will always remember how I felt during those years, and I will share my story with boldness in hope that someone else will find the courage to keep going.
Counselor reaction:
General comments or reactions:
To this person: you have such an enlightening approach to your illness. It is obvious that you have struggled with depression for an extended period of time because of all of the progress you have made in accepting and working with your diagnosis. Something I always explained to my kiddos when working with them was that depression is not like the chicken pox; you do not go through a depressive episode once and then it’s done. Depression is something that you live with and you could have an episode weekly, monthly, or you could go 5 years between having an episode. There’s no way of knowing when it can come back, and there’s no way of preventing it, but you have found ways to cope with that uncertainty, and that is truly so very strong and introspective of you.
How can friends and family support someone who suffers from depression?
I think the biggest thing is just to be understanding. When I say understanding, I don’t mean baby someone and make them feel reliant upon your support. I don’t mean push them away. I don’t mean pretend that nothing is wrong. Understand that some days will be harder than others. Understand that someone does not choose to have roller coaster moods and emotions. Ask them what they need. If they tell you to go away, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you or want you around, they just need the time to focus on themselves. Someone suffering through a depressive episode may need different things throughout different episodes, and so listening to what they need is so imperative!
About this series: It was a great desire of mine to share stories from real people who live with a mental disorder. The goal with this series is to shed light on what it’s really like for people. What it looks like day-to-day and how it affects their life. But also to see just how strong these people are. While the impact is strong on the individual experiencing it, a mental disorder also impacts family, friends, and coworkers. So it was also important to me to bring in a licensed counselor to read and react to these stories, and to share a few helpful tips to better understand and respond to a loved one who struggles in this way.
About the counselor: Andrea McDonald, MAC, NCC, LPC is a licensed professional counselor living in Kansas City. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology, criminal justice, and sociology in 2012 from Simpson Collage, and went on to receive her master’s in counseling from Mid America Nazarene University, studying marriage and family therapy/counseling in 2019. She has 8+ years of youth and family counseling experience. Andrea has a beautiful, huge heart for others, and it’s an honor to have her as a friend (and fun fact, she’s my soon-to-be sister in law!) You can connect with Andrea on Instagram: @KCSelfCareStudio
Photography by: HNV Photography KC // Special thought and consideration went into this project to honor the stories that were told and I couldn’t think of a better collab partner. Heidi, you have a gift and your ability to capture the raw, real emotions is inspiring to me everyday. Thank you, friend!
***Note, while I hope the information shared here is insightful, it is not meant to serve as official medical advice or diagnose any symptoms you may be experiencing. If you have any questions regarding your mental, behavioral and emotional health, I recommend you speak with a licensed professional.***